by Gomathi Sridevi

How do you feel when everyone is avoiding you?

No one wants to be my partner in a project.

No one wants to sit next to me in the food court.

No one wants to have a conversation with me.

I am afraid that one day you will leave me too, if I keep telling my worries to you.

Just like others.

I feel like I don’t belong here anymore.

People’s harsh words, the looks they give when they see me, the whispers, and the beatings, everything is pushing me to the edge.

But I am holding on to myself.

I won’t give up.

Have I give up now, they would do the same thing to other people like me.

I learned one thing from the past few months.

The more you give a place for others to judge you, the more you will lose yourself.

I can’t let them to judge me for who I am, or what I am.

I shouldn’t be ashamed of myself, or isolate myself from this world just because I am different from them.

I never expected them to treat me like a dirt, like I am some kind of a sinner.

Was I really a sinner for being gay?

They say love is blind. But if I love the same gender they don’t accept.

It is a feeling which isn’t restricted only to the specific sex group.

I am Ken, and I am gay.

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Why do I feel lonely, though I am surrounded by people?

Why do I feel empty, though my mind and heart are filled with worries?

I think this is why they called me different.

I am the weird one in this campus.

I just need to hang on till I graduate and I can live happily with people surrounding me who will accept me.

Or will it be the same?

Does change in environment be the solution for everything?

I think the real change should occur in people, in their way of thinking, seeing and speaking things.

They say, they are broad-minded. Are they?

All I want is to be treated as a human.

 A person who has a heart just like others. I am no different from others.

I am a human too. I do have feelings. I do want to be happy, want to have friends, want someone to listen to my ramblings, want someone who can accept me, and someone who can love me.

Was that too much to ask for?

I guess so.

I know you are getting bored just by hearing the same blabbering.

The reason is, nothing ever happened new in my life. Everything was the same. Same people, same harsh words, same emotions, same worries.

The only thing is I am not the same person.

I have changed a lot, I felt numb whenever they hit me.

I was deaf whenever they used harsh words on me.

I was blind whenever they made disgusting faces to me.

I knew I was getting used to the environment, and I knew I could never come out of the bubble where I was trapped.

A bubble that I created to distance myself from others. A bubble that they are trying to burst to hurt me.

The bubble is slowly eating me out, and I wish I never got stuck into it.

But it is better to be trapped than to be chased.

It’s better to be crazy than to be pathetic.

Just because they look down on me, doesn’t mean that I am pathetic.

I don’t live a pathetic life. They do.

There is a limit for everything.

And I guess they are testing my limits. They are already succeeding in pushing me to the edge.

All they need is just few more tries and they will achieve.

And I know that day isn’t far.

And I am waiting for the day to come.

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I feel suffocating.

I find hard to breathe.

I don’t know why, but I feel like no one here likes me or accepts me for who I am, except my family.

More importantly nobody wants me, loves me, and cares for me.

But they want my body.

The pain in my lower region and bruises on my body keeps me reminding of the nightmare.

I know it’s real.

I screamed for help to get away from the torture.

Didn’t he see my tears?

Didn’t he hear my screams?

Can’t they differentiate the screams of pleasure and pain?

I stopped fighting.

I let the guy above me to do whatever he wanted.

Because finally they succeeded in bursting the bubble.

The bubble which I had been protecting for the last few months is gone.

I think this would have not happened, had I not been different from others.

Or had I not been born.

I was born in a wrong place, at a wrong time.

I know my family loves me but I can’t do this to them.

The least I can do is give them some peace.

A peace, where they won’t be judged because of their son or brother. And I know what I should do.

Screw college. Screw people. Screw life.

“This is what you get for being gay.”

His last words were enough for me to make me fall from the edge.

I was harassed for being a gay.

I was treated as an object for being a gay.

And finally I am going to leave this world for being a gay.

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I believed in an idea. An idea called freedom.

I wanted to live in a place where I wouldn’t be isolated for being my real self.

Where a person can live the way, he chooses to live.

They saw me as an outcast, because I am different from them.

People are afraid of me, because they don’t understand me.

And sometimes it’s easier to outcast me than to understand.

I am a human, most of us didn’t even choose to be attracted to boys.

I can’t help the way I am, and if you all can’t understand that, well I guess you will just have to put me away.

I want to apologize to my parents, my baby sister who had high hopes and never gave up on me. I know I disappointed you and became a failure as a son, as a brother, and as a human.

I don’t want you to bring more shame than now.

It feels like a hell to live in a place where you are being hated by everybody.

I have made my choice now.

If the shame and discrimination continued, I feel like I will lose myself.

This is who I am and I am not ashamed of myself and never will I regret for being different from others.

I love myself but I can’t speak for myself.

I hope you will understand other’s feelings instead of making them an outcast.

Thank you so much for staying with me and reading this till now. At least now I can be happy that someone have read my thoughts and listened to my worries without faking it.

This place is not for me, not for people like me. I will feel alive only when this place accepts me. But I know it will never happen in this life.

 I hope after some years, or eternity people like us on this earth will get to live a peaceful life for being themselves.

With love

                                                                                                                                                  Ken.

No Turning Back

Mrs. Daniel closed the small diary and put it on the night table.

She felt two arms circling her neck from her back, and she smiled when she knew who it was. She turned around to see her husband smiling at her sadly. She didn’t know she was crying until he wiped her tears off.

“I wish our son was here.”

“Oh honey, we both knew that nothing can be done. He is in a place where he can be happy and be peaceful. We must be happy that he is not in this cruel world anymore.”

She sadly nodded to her husband’s words, and he was right.

They lost Ken, who was too good to exist in this world. This world did nothing but took the precious life of an innocent soul. They hoped he was happy up there without any disturbances.

It’s been five years since they found Ken hanging himself on the ceiling fan.

They were shocked to see that their son had left a small letter where he had poured his feelings, emotions, and his worries in a paper.

He had trusted the diary than humans.

Never did they expect their only son to commit suicide. They thought he was strong, but the truth was even a stronger person can lose their hopes.

Whom can they blame?

The society?

His friends?

The mindsets of people?

Or Ken for not fighting for himself?

The End#.

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