By Lahari Kandamuru
Thank you so much for choosing to read my article. I may not know who you are personally, yet I am grateful. Of late I don’t understand what is happening to me. I am hoping I can reach out to at least one person out there who can help me. I have exhausted all that I have and this is my call for help.
Did you ever feel tears pooling at the back of your eyes for no reason when you are carrying on about your day? Did you ever feel the need to shout? Not at someone… into the air to let go of whatever’s boiling inside. Did you ever wonder what it feels like to be normal? To worry about mundane, insignificant things. Like breaking off a nail, or forgetting to get a cup of yogurt.
How many times did everything feel so overwhelming? You thought you reached your breaking point? But realised the end of the tunnel leads to another tunnel?
“I am neither an anxious nor a depressed person.” There were times when I wanted to believe it. I wasn’t much aware of what a person goes through who have mental health issues. And this is what I used to tell myself to make sense of what’s happening. To be honest, I am not sure if anyone understands the extent of someone’s struggle.
You see, I have come to accept that depression, particularly, is like a fingerprint. As each of us fingerprints unique, the demons, emotions or feelings it stirs up in a person is unique too. The common symptoms you know are just that. It gives you necessary equipment for the battle unseen forces have waged on you. How you win the battle is on you. My years of therapy, I have now realised, hasn’t helped me in winning the battle. It is still going on. It gave me the courage to accept the situation I am in. That the battle is real.
The scars are visible for everyone to see. Yet the feeling no one cares haunts me. At times, everything seems so clear. Acceptance comes easily. And there are times where brushing my teeth feels like a task. Despite reading countless books trying to understand the “why”, moving on gets tough. I check out most things, and try to maintain a semblance of balance. It works too for the most part.
But… there always will be a but. At the end of day, it persists. No matter how hard you try to forget or move on, the battle goes on. Any one who goes through depression may have their unique battle fields. But I believe in making allies and sharing strategy. This is my attempt in taking a step forward to face the depression. Because backing out or giving up is not an option for me.
Again, thank you so much for taking your time out to read this. It means a lot.
A girl who’s not ready to give up.
About the Author: Lahari is a writer currently based in Bengaluru, India. A philomath by nature, she is particularly interested in the domain of mental health. She can be reached at [email protected]