Fiction

Payoff: A Series Of Escapades

by Tiyasha Khanra

Prologue

21st October 2021

Asha comes back from her school reunion. She then takes a shower. After having lunch she goes for a nap. At 7.00 p.m. she leaves her bed, goes to the kitchen, and makes herself a cup of coffee. She takes her phone and goes to the roof. While enjoying her coffee she thinks about what to do next. She feels absolutely blank within. After finishing her coffee, she comes down to her room, closes the door, puts off the lights, and opens her laptop. She starts to jot down the manuscript of her novel:

CHAPTER 1

Every fiction is the writer’s reality. This story too belongs to my heart. They didn’t left me any other tool to strike back and that’s why my novel will be a payoff to them. Hi, readers, this is Asha Khanna, the most notorious girl in 2016’s H.S. Batch of T.H.S. (Tetultala High School). The first day I went to school, I thought being the first girl in school will bring me privileges that others don’t get easier but I get adversities instead. Apart from being the first girl of 11 Arts, I had another identity. I was the girlfriend of Jeet Ghosh. Nobody liked our pair. There were several boys in the school who used to flirt with me, the teachers were included in them. Initially, I had no problem with all the frivolity but eventually, I realized it doesn’t suit me. After one month of admission, our class for psychology commenced. Prakash Pandey was the only teacher of Psychology. The day he came to announce our class timing, I didn’t even look at him. One week later our class started and there I met him for the first time. But the time didn’t seem the first time at all. I started taking private tuition from him. At first, I thought he likes another girl in our batch, but suddenly one day came into my life when nobody came in the tuition and I was left alone with him. He started teaching me. And for the first time, I felt my heart throbbing for him. I knew him to be married. Moreover, I myself was in a relationship. Still, nothing worked to make me stop from falling for him. I don’t know whether the same happened with him or not but he too started to be close with me. We got a mental attachment. I thought I will dismiss this attachment once my course is over and learning is completed. But some thoughts never come to fruition.

CHAPTER 2

After three months of my admission to T.H.S., my luck proved to be fated. I got suspended from school. I lost every contact on my phone. I got depression, insomnia, anxiety, headache, and indigestion. Pandey suffered from chickenpox at the same time. When both of us rejoined school after recovering from our disease, we met once again. First time I took his number but this time he took mine. I wrote my number in a chit and handed him over. It was a rainy day in school. All the students left in the tiffin period because the classes were suspended after tiffin. But I didn’t manage to get out of school because I found no vehicle to drive me off to Krishnapur. Thereby I stayed in the classroom and thought I would go home on foot once the pouring stops if not get an auto or a bus. I know not but for God’s sake Pandey sir was crossing in front of our classroom and he got a view of me. He came to me and asked me whether I would do a class with him or not. I informed him that all classes remained suspended but he insisted I come to a  classroom on the ground floor. I went there and he took my class. In class I took the chance to tell him that the scars of chickenpox are left in his forehead, making his face ugly but he didn’t seem to care about it.  Later, he told me that he would drive me off home. I waited half an hour. And then he picked me up from school and drove me off to Krishnapur. On the way when we were passing a crowd and he hold my hand tight, I felt like he is the man, whom God had made for me. But he was not.

CHAPTER 3

After one week or so, it was another rainy day. I went to Unicorn, to take tuition from Pandey. He had already separated me from the batch and used to teach me alone. I reached first and he came after ten minutes of my reaching. He got partially wet and therefore he intended to take off his shirt but I don’t know what made me so awkward that I didn’t let him put off his shirt even after he caught a cold.

On the way to returning home from tuition I too got wet and later that day, in the evening I caught the fever. Pandey called me for no reason and got to know about my goddamn fever. He showed concern. I asked him not to worry but he rode 5km. to brought me to medicine. I too could go and buy Paracetamol from any pharmacy of Krishnapur but he preferred to do it himself for me. He came wearing a raincoat and I went on an umbrella. I was carrying a shawl around my upper half. But still given the fever and due to the rain, I was shivering. He stopped near a butcher’s shop and came to me, brought out the envelope containing medicine, and gave it to me. He then looked into my eyes. I looked at the moonlit and then looked at him. He seemed some fairytale hero to me, who had come to take me away with him in a wonderland. He took my hand to measure the heat but my palms, which were icy-cold. He rubbed it for a while and then kissed on my palm. I took my hand back. He then crossed the road, weaved at me, gave me a flying kiss, and then drove off. I forgot about my fever for a while and didn’t feel that the umbrella was not in its place and I’m getting watered thereby.

CHAPTER 4

Writing reality fiction isn’t that easy, you know.  You’ve to be careful about every detail. You can’t illustrate it according to your whim and fancy because you’ll miss reality then and you can’t write it as it is for then it would no longer be fiction. You need a perfect compact of reality and fiction. You have to present the story in such a way that the reader gets a hint of the reality but it looks more like fiction to him. You need to blur the distinction between reality and fiction and make a perfect blend so that the story remains only a story after a happy reading and doesn’t become an incident. I was afraid whether I will be able to do that with my incidental story or not and thereby I insisted my friend Santimoy write the story for me. But he refused. However, I felt like this story must be written. Hence, I would like to tell you what happened next. After six months of my studying to T.H.S., I realized it’s time to dig my grave. I asked Pandey about our future. He told me that we don’t have any. I had my future of course. But he had his family, his first priority. We had nothing together. Whatever was left between us was a happy sexual life. Nothing more and nothing less. I wished to break up with him then and there. But I couldn’t because among all these unnecessary jeopardies my career was badly fastened. I had to pass my higher secondary exam with the help of everybody around. Pandey was no exception. I couldn’t afford a broil with anyone because it could have caused me serious impact on my internal assessment and external outcome. Moreover, I wasn’t sure if my relationship with Pandey got revealed in public, what would have happened then. Maybe I would have rusticated from school and my career was shot dead along with me. I would have never become graduated. I would have never been able to pursue a post-graduation course. I would have never been able to be loved by so many people in my later life. Life would have been a prison to me. There were so many probabilities, you see. So, I had no other option left in my hand other than obeying Pandey blindly. I had to cow down if I asked to, I had to keep things secret, all in me. And the worst part was my mental health was going through severe damage. I couldn’t share anything with anyone, I couldn’t escape anything either. Life became a dark tunnel for me. And the light, end of the tunnel was my passing out of T.H.S. So, I was badly waiting for my H.S. examination.

CHAPTER 5

I was maintaining a simultaneous relationship with Jeet. If one tells me that I am a perfect bitch material, I won’t deny being that. I was very well aware of the fact that it doesn’t matter how hard I love someone, if he is tied to someone else he will never end up being mine. And even if he ends up being mine, there will be no guarantee that he will be mine forever because one who has the habit of unknotting the bond, can do it with anyone and anytime. An adulterous relationship is always for mutual benefit. Nobody indulged runs in the loss, except the one who is sharing her/his partner unknowingly with someone else. Only that person remains clueless. I used to think about Pandey’s wife. I felt bad for me because I had to do private things with someone else’s husband but I felt worse for his wife because of how much fooled she has been made for years. Sometimes I used to think that I would have been lucky if I were married to Pandey. But next time I used to shiver with the thought of being fooled by him. I used to consider her wife’s fatal condition. I never wish to be in a position where my partner uses love to blindfold me and exploits my trust issues. I am lucky enough not to be married to him. At least I know nobody is cheating on me but it’s okay to cheat on anyone else to love me. Well, we all are selfish at some point.

CHAPTER 6

As I said, I got suspended from school. Don’t ask me the reason for I myself know not. All I know is the powerful always sucks the powerless. For being suspended I missed my practical classes and everything; therefore I left back in my studies. I tried to avoid all my lovey-dovey boyfriends for a few months to focus on my study. Though they always remained a distraction for me. However, I managed to come first in class 11. I don’t know whether it’s my effort that succeed or the teachers favored me. Anything it might be but it secured my position in the school. In class 12 nothing changed. Pooja, my best friend in school got a clue about us (me and Pandey) or maybe she just assumed some things or other, and by driving away that assumption she used to poke me with Pandey’s name. I didn’t give a damn about it. Though somewhere in my inner world, I enjoyed it a lot. On the other hand, she used to encourage me with my relationship with Jeet from time to time. If I were a bitch, she was no less than it. Days went by. The test exam knocked to our door. I called Pandey to give me extra classes for my syllabus that remained unfinished. He told me that I need not worry because the paper will be checked by him, so the numbers will be given to me for free. I told him that the final paper won’t be evaluated by him, so I need to get prepared for that. He didn’t seem to care much about it. The test got over. But Pandey never kept his promise. He gave me poor numbers in my paper. I should have known that a liar is always a liar, a fraud is always a fraud no matter whether the issue is personal or professional. Next week in Unicorn, I placed my question to him that why he never keeps promises. But he behaved in a way as if he never made any promises. He was drunk that day and barely he had the sense to understand my question or to answer it. I made my own answers. I had three months left for the final exam and if I was needed to score well, I had to work on my own. I got to know that any Pandey won’t be of any help at all. They all are there for their own business. And I had to do mine.

CHAPTER 7

All I thought about life proved to be false. My castle of sand got ravaged. My fairytale became a harsh reality. My superhero becomes a devil figure. But still, love was at its height even in those days. I never lacked love in my entire life. Just two and a half months before my final exam, it was a cold December night and even teeth were chattering amidst the mist. Pandey and I were seating in Unicorn, solving test papers. Suddenly an emotion caught him, and he asked me whether I would forget him or not once my higher secondary exam gets over. Though I know my answer, it was not the right time, to be honest, so I lied to him. I said that he is the man of my life and I will be with him forever and ever. I convinced him that I love him all through my heart and beyond. For the first time in my life or maybe second or maybe third or maybe fourth I too made a fake promise. I promised to love him eternally and infinitely. The light, end of the tunnel was getting visible to me day by day, night after night. After the class, when both of us left the rented room that used to be Unicorn Tuition Center once upon a time, I started shivering with the cold. Our breathing was turning into smoke. Pandey gave his shawl to me. He covered me up with the shawl and advised me to take care of myself for being sick can damage my preparation for H.S. I liked the way he cared for me. To be very honest, nobody ever cared for me the way he did. I am thankful to him even after all the vice and virtue.

CHAPTER 8

Maybe I’m the most unfortunate girl in this world or everybody else’s curse is powerful than God’s blessing. And moreover, poetic justice only favors fiction but for reality this term is invalid. Our H.S. exam got started. On the first day of my exam, I did well. On the Second day, Jeet met me before the exam, and Pooja was accompanied by him. Jeet did his best to turn off my mood and he got to succeed. On the third day, before I went for my exam my father got a car accident, that he was driving. I gave my exam with a heavy heart. On the fourth day, before I could enter my examination room my mind got diverted when I saw Jeet passing me. Just to look at him I got slipped from the stair and my ankle got twisted. Yet, I managed to give my exam. On the night of my last exam, I caught anxiety that caused me a high fever. I vomited five times throughout the night. I told my mother, that I won’t mind if I die after giving my last paper which was about Psychology but I need a little strength to sit for my last day examination. Ma consoled me that day for the first time in my life. My exam got over. The very first thing I did after my exam got finished is I made me disconnected from Pandey in all possible ways. After 3 months, on 8th June 2018, our result came out. I am happy to share that I came second and Pooja achieved the first position this time. The moment I went to collect my mark sheet from school, Pandey encountered me. “You didn’t even care to tell me your marks after checking it in online.”, he complained. “There’s nothing to tell. I have come second, and Pooja first.”, I told him reluctantly. Arnak Sir, who used to teach us Bengali, teased me from a distance with, “Asha came second and so she is jealous of Pooja.” Pooja gave me an I-am-always-better-than-you look. “Ignore them. And answer me. Why didn’t you talking to me for the past three months? What has happened to you?”, Pandey finished with a sigh. I was surprised that where everybody was giving me a the-bitch-got-what-she-deserve treatment, only Pandey was far away from all these successes and failures of life. My eyes got stuck in his. I saw their love for me and not any judgments. I remained silent for not knowing what to say. “You got the highest mark in Psychology. 98 out of 100.”, Pandey said further. “Yet, I didn’t come first. Excuse me, How do you know my result?”, I inquired. “I have remembered your roll no.”, I got replied. I was astonished to think that he remembered my ten digits of H.S. roll no. He took me to the office room and he himself collected my mark sheet from my class teacher and handed me over. “Thank you for everything.”, I managed to say while taking my mark sheet from him. “I’m happy for you got 88%. It’s a good result, trust me. I want to see you be an idle lady in life. Our official relationship is ending here. You are no more a student of mine. But our love will guide us in the future. I hope you won’t leave me for anything or anyone.”, Pandey spoke his last words to me in T.H.S. I left with tears in my eyes. My tears weren’t for my second position, it didn’t even matter to me but my tears were for I had to withdraw all my detachment from Pandey because for the first time I felt his love for me to be genuine.

CHAPTER 9

The first day in T.H.S. is very apparent to me. I and Jeet as a couple spent the day. He had a manliness in him. I thought that I belong to him. And this thought gave me a vibe of being a complete woman. Though this complete woman got incomplete the day she met Pandey. The last day in T.H.S. is more than apparent to me. I got no view of Jeet. He came in the first half to collect his mark sheet and I was the last student in the last half. Only Pandey waited for me to come. Nobody else did. I don’t know how to interpret this. Maybe I was a lost cause for everyone except Pandey. I don’t know what he saw in me to put his faith in.

I don’t know what made me a writer, who is bound to the truths that can lead her serious consequences. But trust me or not I had no other option left with me. I could have died with my dark past and even if I have to then at least give my story a chance to live. My father got a heart attack on 11th June 2018. He got admitted to R. G. Kar Medical Hospital. I spent a week outside the cardiology department of R. G. Kar medical hospital. My mother used to be inside of the hospital and took care of my father and I used to be comforting with the strangers outside the department. I used to think that I got a bad life but when I saw people struggling in the hospital to come back to normal life, I got to know what death could have actually meant. I felt like I am already dead, but this time I need to live a little.

CHAPTER 10

Life changed a lot in the last four years. I have seen poverty, I have seen loneliness, I have seen failure, but somewhere in my heart I never gave up. I always believed in God and that’s why I know that my story may be incomplete but He doesn’t leave things half done.

I carried my relationship with Pandey for six years and tried to make it work. But a world without sun can’t afford life. No love can thrive if the lovers don’t follow their guts. I felt so tired of this love and left Pandey on my twenty-second birthday. I knew he loved me. But love is not enough to be together. He doesn’t have the courage to break down all the rules for me. He too is not a match for me. I live a thousand miles away from his world. And in my world, love risks your life but life doesn’t go without love.

I don’t blame anyone for not being able to fit in my expectation. Nor do I judge anyone’s ability to love. I can only say mine and that’s what I did throughout this writing. But if it still hurts anyone then go spit on your wounds, because nobody cares over here. Thank you.

Epilogue

Asha completes her writing while the dawn breaks down. She puts aside her laptop, spreads her legs to relax, brings out the packet of cigarettes kept under her pillow, burns one, inhales, and leaves a puff. “Life is an experimental game and you are forced to participate.”, it’s enough for her she thinks in her mind. Sleep falls down to her eyes. She falls asleep. The cigarette drops from her fingers and burns a portion of the bed cover.

About the Author:

Tiyasha Khanra is a poet and an author, she lives in Kolkata, India. 

 

 

 

 

 

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