by Tiyasha Khanra
Prologue
Asha Khanna is a twenty-two years old girl. She is getting ready to go to her new college. Today is the first day of her journey as a student of Masters in English. She is standing in front of the mirror; doing her hair. Her phone starts ringing. But now she has no time to attend. The first day of any journey is important. So she makes sure so that she looks perfectly okay. Once done, she waits for the bus at the bus stop of Krishnapur. The bus comes and she gets up and manages to occupy a window seat after one stoppage. She brings out her phone from the pocket of her denim and unlocks the screen. New messages from WhatsApp pop up on the screen and she taps on them. It is from a very old group that belongs to her school friends who are now actively replying to each other in this very group chat. By reading very few messages, she gets into the matter-of-fact that a reunion has been arranged in order to meet everybody once again. She lost herself in certain thoughts, good and bad until her destination comes. She gets off in Dunlop and now she needs to take another bus to Bidhannagar.
Asha has moved on from her past. A past, that’s terribly haunting for a young girl like her. Her scars are started healing or almost healed. And now she doesn’t want to return to the past that can unpack lots of pain. She doesn’t want to walk anymore in the memory lane where she met a group of people who were not her match and gave her the toxic experience of life. She doesn’t want to remember how things made her suffer or how pathetic life can be when surrounded by wrong people. But above all, she thinks, she’s mature enough to deal with her past or anything that intends to break her down and it’s high time to be strong and proves her strength to the world at least once in her life. She accepted everything that happened to her and this time too she decides not to deny her fate no matter how unfortunate it proves to be.
****
(1)
In Tetultala High School
21th October, 2021
Asha gets off from the auto-rickshaw and moves through the school gate, which is now renovated. Though she thinks that the old model was far better, change is inevitable irrespective of man or a school complex. She stops awhile at the gate and thinks of the first day she was there for her higher secondary. After passing 10th from Ramkrishna Sadan High School she was admitted here to complete her higher secondary education. Ramkrishna Sadan was a private high school and Tetultala is a governmental one. So naturally, things and surroundings change for her. She thinks how badly she failed to cope up with everything at first and eventually she got accustomed to everything and everyone. She smirks by thinking that ‘time’ is powerful than anyone else for sure.
Pooja screams from the first-floor veranda, “Hey, Asu! It’s been a long we never met. How do you do?”
“Hey! Poo, so finally we meet. How are you doing?”
“Lots of things to say!”, Pooja comes down.
“Remember what you said?”, Asha speaks out while embracing each other.
“What? I said a lot of things!”, Pooja laughs out loud.
“You said that you will come first in my memory every time I will think of my school.”
“Ah! Did I?”
“Who else! By the way who made this plan? I mean who planned the reunion? I guess it’s you.”
“Yes! It’s me. Given the pandemic, living life was getting monotonous and moreover, we were missing each other. Weren’t you missing school? The old school days? Didn’t you miss Jeet?”
Asha was not ready for the name. Tolerating Pooja was one thing but hearing about Jeet was another. She takes her time before answering and finally opens up, “Jeet is long past.”
Pooja frowns at Asha before they start climbing up the staircase.
****
(2)
Tetultala High School,
18th April, 2016
A sixteen years old Asha gets inside the school campus. An unknown girl comes close to her and asks, “Are you Asha Khanna?”
“Yes!”
“Heard about you.”
Before Asha got a chance to know who she is and what the fuck she heard about her, the girl disappears.
“Witch!”, Asha whispers.
Not looking anywhere else she directly goes for 11 Arts, where Jeet is waiting for her. Jeet Ghosh was Asha’s English tuition friend and now school friend too. Asha ignores Jeet while looking for a comfortable seat in the big classroom. Jeet comes forward, takes her bag, and throws it to the first bench.
“Now talk to me.”, he utters to her.
Asha smiles and runs away from him.
They meet once again in the prayer assembly but don’t get a chance to interact. The national anthem starts and Asha lip-syncs, while Jeet manages to see her from a distance and gets caught by Arindam Pradhan, the class teacher of 11 Arts. Arindam uses to be a rude teacher but interestingly he is ruder to the boys than to the girls.
The prayer incident gets over and they start moving towards their respective classrooms; Asha goes for 11 Arts, whereas Jeet saunters into 11 Commerce. Coincidently 11 Arts and Commerce were opposite to each other.
Asha greets good morning to Arindam, the history teacher. Arindam calls her on the blackboard and introduces her to the classmates, “She is Asha Khanna, a meritorious student, did a brilliant result in Madhaymik. She is the highest mark holder in this entire class. So, Asha Khanna, Roll No 01, this is your classmates, befriend them. Now go to your seat.”
“Thank you, sir.”
First, four periods are over and now it’s tiffin break. Asha steps out of her classroom. Jeet peeps through 11 Arts and by not getting her there, he starts moving aimlessly to the ground floor. Asha goes into the playground, buys fuchka (panipuri), and makes her move to the ground floor. By reaching there Asha gets Jeet to be standing in front of her. Asha tries to find her way further and Jeet blocks it. Asha speaks out, “What the..”
“Let’s go to our classroom, 11 commerce.”
“Why the hell?”
“Want to talk.”
“About what?”
“Seriously you don’t know?”
“I have a boyfriend.”, Asha lies.
“But I like you.”, Jeet insists.
“So what?”
“At least befriend and then if you feel like..”
“Huh! I won’t.” Asha finds her way and goes off.
****
(3)
Tetultala High School,
May, 2016
Things get change for Asha. She befriends Pooja Sen, a diplomatic and very smart girl. Two of them become the icon of 11 Arts and Asha earns some enviers or other. The most important change that takes place in her life is that she starts thinking about Jeet, not as a friend but more of that.
It’s a tiffin break. Asha hustles through the corridor. Jeet comes excitedly. They meet.
“So whom do you waiting for?”, Jeet puns.
“I think it’s you.” Asha gets it straight without beating around the bush.
“Oh! How lucky I am! Can’t believe my ears.”
“Stand by the window.”
“I can stand in hellfire if you want me to.”
“You think so because it’s just the beginning. Things change along with time.”
“Things between you and me will never change.”
“Promise?”
“Promise. Now close your eyes.”
“Why?”
“I’ve something for you.”
“As in?”
“Uff! Do what I say.”
“Okay!”
Jeet gives a quick kiss in Asha’s fair cheek and runs through the veranda.
Asha fails to concentrate in her Geography practical class, held by Ganesh Paul, the fat Geography teacher. The same thing happens with her in the computer class. Finally the bell rings and the class breaks.
Asha and Jeet side by side, returning from school. Jeet’s bicycle in between separating them from being close. This became the regularity for the two of them. They return from school together and sometimes fight in the middle of the road. Asha enjoys it when Jeet comes to extinguish her rage the next day in school. Their bittersweet story builds up just like those high on hormone candidates of high school goers.
****
(4)
Summer Vacation,
June, 2016
Vacations are the rivals for school lovers. And when it’s summer vacation, it means a wastage of three fine weeks. New young lovers can’t wait for reconciliation. All they want is to stay close to one another. To have the chance to see her/him, to talk to her/him, to touch and get touched by her/him – all these are like paradise to them.
It’s 10th of June, Asha’s birthday. Jeet messages Asha, “Wishing you a very happy birthday my darling, make me proud by ranking first in the class. All the best. I’m there for you always.”
“Thanks! Where’s my birthday gift?”, Asha replies.
“What do you want?”
“Your love.”
“Will have babies together.”
“Shut the fuck up man! We are only sixteen.”
“Will have someday. I’m not talking about today.”
“Worst gift of my birthday. Don’t show me your bloody face.”
“Oh no! Don’t get angry baby. Just kidding. Love you.”, Jeet makes up.
“Love you too.”
****
(5)
Tetultala High School,
21st October, 2021
Asha and Pooja are sitting in the classroom of 11th Arts, facing each other. Very few other students are interacting among themselves. Everyone is pretending to be emotional over the memories of past days. After a while, Pooja places her question, “So, What made you fall for Jeet, the last bencher? And what made you compelled to hate him after loving him so hard?”
“Everything falls apart for a reason. I have my own.”
“He loves you.”
“Love is not enough to be together. You need a good match. At least that’s what I am told.”
“When do you start believing people’s nonsense?”
“I didn’t start to believe people, I just stop listening to my heart.”
“Killing your heart is not an option.”
“It’s the only option left for me.”
“Okay. Let’s not talk about him. I just started reading your articles. You write so well dude. Tell me what made you such a good writer?”
“My broken heart. My scandalous past.”
“Then why don’t you write a ground-breaking novel with the story of your dead-end relationship?”
“It can be done but I’m underconfident. What if I fail to serve no or less justice to any character?”
“Come on Asu! It’s your story. It’s your pen. Do whatever you want to do with it. Give a bad name to the devil friends and the teachers. Take revenge.”
“Poo, You didn’t change a bit. It’s all same with you.” Asha fakes a smile.
“Let’s go to the veranda.”
They move forward to the big veranda. Asha stands with her back by the wall, faces towards the blue sky and closes her eyes.
****
(6)
Tetultala High School,
Last week of July, 2016
Asha and Jeet became the most noticeable couple at the school in the last few weeks when the school reopens after the summer vacation. Their love and romance became contagious and other girls and boys of 11 Arts and commerce also started dating each other. I’m afraid, but matter-of-factly the school became a lovers’ point and even the teachers couldn’t help it.
Asha and Jeet have a specialty in their story which all other couples lack. The specialty is that they are mismatched. Asha is a so-called first girl, so the entire school community has an expectation out of her. On the contrary, Jeet is a mediocre student. Racism too runs here. Asha is a girl with a fair complexion and Jeet is a dark and clumsy-looking boy. So nobody in and out of the school wants them to end up together. But this couple shows their middle fingers to the world around them and adheres to their love/r. Asha and Jeet become each other’s complementary. But what they fail to guess is that there’s a foul play against them escalating every day and it will break their heart slowly but surely.
At the end of July, Asha feels like an invisible devil is keeping an eye on her. She gets the truth that she so-called dear friends are spying on her. She starts feeling trapped and things start to go beyond her grip. The world around her is becoming a blameworthy suffocating place and all she needs is a break. However, Jeet isn’t ready to give her the break nor can he anticipate the imminent danger in their lives.
Asha is getting short-tempered for several days. Things around her are getting highly suspicious; though she has no idea what’s happening. Everybody stops to mix freely with her. On the penultimate day of the month, when Asha is having her period and is in no mood for romance, Jeet gets high on hormones. They meet in the tiffin time, when Asha is returning from the washroom and Jeet calls her, “Hey! What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Not in the mood.”
“Not an issue. Let’s stand by the window.”
“Not today.”
“Why? Everything’s okay?”
“Having nausea.”
“OMG! Are you pregnant?”
“Please!”
“Then! Mrs. Asha Ghosh! We are going to have a little baby!”
It’s too much for her. She gets irritated with the words and slaps Jeet. With the slapping, Jeet gets back to sense. He feels sorry for his words and goes after Asha as she lefts the place.
“Asha! I’m sorry.”, Jeet speaks out when Asha steps inside her classroom, i.e., 11 Arts.
Asha ignores and returns to her seat on the first bench. Jeet starts again, “Please.. Please.. please don’t get angry. I’m really sorry. Okay! Okay! Tell me.. just tell me what to do for you.”
Asha is more upset than she’s disappointed. Finally, she speaks, “Please go to your classroom.”
“First you forgive me, dear love.”
“I have..”
“Then give me a smile.”
“Uff! Please!”
“Please.”
“Just do what I say..” Before she gets finished Jeet hurls a lustful passionate kiss on her forehead. Asha chokes with fear because he does it not in the front of the invisible devil’s eye, which Asha thinks is spying on her rather in front of the entire classroom full of visible fake friends. Asha knew that their friends are not actually what they appear to be but an entirely different entity hidden under the surface of that friendly mannerisms. And now she also knows that it’s doomsday for her and maybe only for her even if the kiss is placed by Jeet and she had nothing to do with it. Nobody’s going to believe her. Breaking the awkward silence she whispers to Jeet, “It’s too late to undo the kiss. Now fuck off!”
****
(7)
Tetultala High School,
21st October, 2021
A drop of tears rolls down from Asha’s eye. Pooja stares at it and then removes it with her finger. Asha opens her eyes and stares back at her. After a while Pooja proposes, “Let’s go to our Geography lab, nobody’s there. It’s empty as usual.”, and then starts to go to the lab. Asha follows. Once reached there, Asha exhales a big sigh of relief and opens up, “So, finally reached to our world”, and picks up the glob in her hand. Pooja closes the door. With the sound of closing the door, Asha puts back the glob and turns back. Pooja has already reached her. Both are staring at each other. In the next minute, Pooja presses her lip on Asha’s and starts sucking. Asha starts responding but then gives Pooja a strong push to get rid of her embrace. Pooja wipes her lip with the back of her palm and starts speaking, “Nobody ever loved you truly except me.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore.”, Asha replies.
“If I were there at that point in time, I would have never let you be suspended. But I got fucking fever in that very week. I’m sorry Asu.”
“What’s there to be sorry? I got punished for my own guilt. And you were not responsible for anything.”
“What’s the guilt? Loving a man? I could have advocated for you if I were present on that day.”
“Loving a man isn’t guilt. But unloving others for him is.”
“What do you mean? Only the whores love a thousand men at a time.”
“If not a thousand then I should have loved a pair of others to gain power and to rescue myself but I failed.”, Asha turns her face away.
“Asu! Don’t you dare to blame yourself for the scoundrels and their foul deeds. Dying is better than sleeping with those bastards.”
“Then I should have died by now but dying is not that easy as we speak of it.”
The door is knocked by Suchandra and Pooja opens it. Suchandra gives a scream of joy and embraces both. “How many days have passed! Hey! Asu, too much to our surprise you end up being a writer! From an amorous lover to a writer of erotic novels!” Three of them laugh out loud.
****
(8)
In Vidya Niketan,
3rd August, 2016
Vidya Niketan is a private tuition center. Asha goes there to take Geography tuition. Today when Asha reaches there, Ramila, her tuition friend comes forth and takes Asha to a corner of the stair with her. Ramila is seeming quite different today as if she has found a philosopher’s stone. Breaking the suspense she finally speaks to Asha, “Hey! Dude! What have you done?”
“What have I done?” Asha knows nothing about what’s Ramila speaking about.
“Know nothing? There’s a rumor about you. Or is it a fact?”
“Rumor about me! I know nothing about what you’re speaking. Please open up. What have you heard?”
“There’s a video, leaked.”, Ramila whispers.
“Video? Contains what?”, Asha replies out of surprise.
“Pornography- that’s what I’ve heard.”
“Pornography! And who is the victim?”
“I’m afraid but it’s you.”, Ramila stammers.
“Pornography of me? I’ve done nothing like that, trust me.”
“Who am I to trust you? You are viral dude.”
“Are you kidding? How can I be viral without doing anything?”, Asha screams this time.
“Shh!”, Ramila hushes Asha up.
“Okay! Okay! Just tell me have you seen the video?”, Asha speaks further and this time in a low voice.
“No!”
“Uff! That means somebody has spread the rumor to disgrace me.”, Asha consoles herself.
“Really? I don’t think so. Spreading fake news like pornography is highly offensive. Who dares to do that? Are you sure you haven’t done anything?”
By these words, Asha gets extremely scared as well as frustrated with everything, odd and even. She barely cares about where she is and a stream of tears rolls down from her eyes. She goes to the washroom. Sobs. Groans. Suffocates. And finally comes out removing her tears as if nothing happened.
After returning home from her tuition Asha sits on the roof and gazes at the stars. Once her soul gets saturated with the night’s fantastic darkness she comes back to her room. Sitting on her study table, Asha opens her diary, turns the pages, and finally starts composing a poem :
“Beloved~
I feel like you are here,
Kissing my savage tongue,
Losing control over your muscles,
Breaking down the chain,
Finding the safest way,
To reach my virgin heart.
You caused the scar on my lip,
And watered our relationship.
You gave me a secret name.
You inject your breath into me.
A strong shiver went through me.
In your name, I am ruined.
I feel like you bite me here,
In my broken spine.
You travel in my ribs.
You sail in my navel.
You feed on my weakness.
You build your kingdom over my gashes.
You bring the rain on my shoulder.
I am beyond any sensation.
You dive on my side,
I found myself nowhere;
I found myself nowhere indeed.
You make my soul free.
You fill me with screams.
The happiest note I sing for you.
I give my drafts and dreams,
I give my thanks to you.
My prayers turn into love-
And my love is for you…”
Before she ends her poem her phone receives a massage and she gets alert when the message tone rings. The body of the message contains: “Asha Khanna turns into a slut. – What the hell people are talking about you? Is this true?”. Nabanita who never talks to Asha, writes for the first time to Asha. It’s like the good effect of negative publicity: one can see how many people care for her/him or at least pretends to care. Asha ignores the message and starts humming a Rabindra Sangeet.
Post dinner, when Asha opens her book to read something or other, her phone rings. She receives the call but nobody answers and leaves a message to her. The message speaks: “Asha Khanna, You are so sexy! Jeet is not a good choice though. Hook up with me.” Asha deletes the message and throws her phone under her bed. She covers herself with a bedsheet, presses her face to the pillow and starts sobbing.
****
(9)
Tetultala High School,
9th August, 2016
Asha becomes a different person since she heard the rumors about her. She avoids Jeet. Talks to no one in her class. Spends time aloof. When standing in the window before the first class starts, Arindam, the class teacher accidentally meets her while entering the classroom. He calls Asha and when she turns back, he says, “Enjoying the breeze?”
Asha keeps her face down and without looking at him she replies, “Good morning sir.”
“If I found you to be standing with me, only then the morning will be good.”
Asha can’t believe what she hears nor can she understand what he meant. She remains silent. Seeing her not answering Arindam speaks further, “Come on! Don’t be a spoilsport. I know you are not naïve.”
Asha sticks to her silence. And Arindam speaks the final time, “Meet me in the library in the tiffin break. Now go to your class.” Asha moves fast to the classroom.
The tiffin bell rings but Asha doesn’t go to meet Arindam. Instead, she spends her time in the Geography Lab, writes a poem on the last page of her notebook:
Phoenix~
Poetry is a life-altering option for me.
I live in poetry, feed-in poetry, and die in poetry.
Poetry drives me ashore when I’m rudderless.
Poetry is the paracetamol when life is a fever to me.
Poetry is the guide when I lost my whereabouts.
Poetry is everything when I’m nothing.
But not all poetry is written in words..
Some poetry dies the moment they are born,
Others burn in fire..
And sometimes the newborn comes out from the ash,
Like a phoenix!
Later in her psychology class, she impresses Prakash Pandey, the psychology teacher, by answering all the questions place by him. When the class ends Prakash speaks to Asha and asks her, “Why didn’t you come to the tuition center yesterday? We have started a new chapter.” Apart from being Asha’s school teacher, Pandey used to teach her in private along with two other students, one of them is Pooja and the other is Drithi from a different school. “My health is not running well sir.” Asha manages to lie. “Take care and please come to Sunday’s class.”, Pandey insists.
“Sure sir. Thank you.”, Asha ends the conversation and leaves.
****
(10)
Unicorn Tuition Centre,
14th August, 2016
Asha gets off from auto rickshaw. Removing her shoes in the doorway, she enters the class. Pandey is sitting on a chair and resting his face on his hand on the table. Nobody else is present today. “May I come in sir?”
“Hmm.”
“Won’t you take our class today?”
“Have I told you so?”
“Others haven’t come yet. That’s why I’m asking.”
“I’ve told them not to come.”
“Why?”
“I mean I have told them not to come today. I will teach you alone from today onwards.”
“Why? I mean anything’s wrong? With them? Or with me?”
“No! It’s not you or them. It’s me.”, Pandey turns his face away from Asha.
“I didn’t get you.”, Asha feels nervous.
“See, I know you are not what you appear to be. You are mild in your behavior but wild in your fantasy. You are a soft speaking but a hard thinking girl.”, after a pause he continues, “You love me. Don’t you? And the blunder that has happened with you in school, let me handle that.”
“What has happened in school?”, Asha pretends like she knows nothing.
“First you tell me, DO- YOU- LOVE- ME?”, Pandey accents in every word.
“Yes! I do.. I do love you.. but as a human being.. as a friend.. In other words, I love you platonically.”, Asha clears herself to Pandey.
“You know what? Love and lust is the opposite side of a single coin. So I can’t separate love from lust or lust from love.”
Asha is already in certain problems in her life, i.e., her relationship with Jeet is falling apart, there’s a rumor spreading wide in every day, Arindam’s Proposal and now Pandey. She is actually haphazard. She doesn’t illustrate things with Pandey and accepts the situation.
After a while, Pandey takes Asha’s hand and places it on his phallus. Grabs Asha’s slim figure between his strong arms. Kisses her here and there. Pushes himself into her.
30 Minutes later, Asha collects herself from a hasty sex episode. “I am afraid, but..” , before Asha finishes, Pandey’s reply cuts her off.
“I have already told you that I will take care of whatever has happened to you in school. The boy with whom you are trying to engage isn’t a good match. His record is as bad as is his face.”
Is it? Asha thinks to herself. But somewhere in her heart, she is feeling light burdened because one of the serious tension, i.e., the unknown school rumor, is solved by Pandey. That is why she agreed with Pandey’s proposal so that she can skip her disgrace and grabs a temporary solution by faking love with Pandey.
****
Epilogue
Asha is standing in front of the big mirror in the basin. It’s 2 A.m., midnight. Looking straight into her reflection Asha babbles, “What’s the mystery in me? What made people chase for me? I don’t want anybody to be surrounded by. I hate.. I hate.. I hate people to have lust for me. What’s my fault? Where’s my peace? I want to run away as far as possible from the grip of lust.” A drop of tear wets her cheek.
After a while she starts again, “Lust has no laws, but only flaws. It knows no mercy, but only sucks your sleep. It splits you in half. I don’t want anybody to touch me hereafter. I don’t want anything to add on my pain.”, another drop of tear follows.
Asha goes for a shower. When the water pours on her, she closes her eyes and mutters, “Yesterday I loved someone for real and that resulted in proving me guilty. Today I loved someone for power and my guilt is withdrawn. Love without power is guilt. And guilt with power is love. I can’t understand any head or tail.”
Asha sobs and then puts off the shower. Water drips from her face. She takes the razor and grumbles, “I know this game of love, of lust, and of power is not to end here. It might go on. I don’t know when it started and before I got any chance, I became a participant. Before I could help myself, I became a victim. Before I could say ‘no’, I was thrown into the sea of misery. And now all I have for myself is nothing. This nothingness of mine helped me to reach nowhere but to be stuck in a hell, where I can do nothing but play.”, blood comes out from her hand and turns the water red.
About the Author:
Tiyasha Khanra is a poet and an author, she lives in Kolkata, India.