by Tiyasha Khanra

Prologue

“What do people understand by love? Touching the skin? The flesh? Feeling the temperature of someone else’s body without a thermometer? Or, finding a soul, with whom s/he can connect herself/himself? The soul that continues to keep in touch even when the tussle with the body is done and separated? Or, a struggle to be together in every thick and thin and not to be separated even if one is exhausted with the body and disgusted by the soul? A struggle to hold on when letting go turns out to be a far better option? Or, an adjustment in the name of family making? An adjustment that sucks the potential and removes one’s natural instinct? Or, the sacrifice for a better life, that eventually ends up being a bitter experiment? Is love a valid feeling? Or, only an act out of a tantrum? Why does it matter? Even feeling itself is a temporary realization and moreover, no realization is permanent. Considering the time, place, and person it changes and this change is the major factor of why people retire from love.”, Asha thinks herself while standing alone in the window of the Geography Lab. Others are busy making it a successful reunion, thereby gossiping over this thing of that. Like her days in school, three years ago, Asha prefers loneliness when she has come to visit her school as a passed out student and attending a reunion intended to engage in the exchange of one another’s life whether it’s personal or professional.

(1)

In Tetultala High School,

21st October, 2021

 

Pooja Sen, the damn smart girl of Tetultala High School and Asha Khanna’s best friend is called to the ground floor by her boyfriend Sayan Mukherjee. Sayan too was a student of Tetultala High School and use to be a very good mutual friend of Asha and her ex-boyfriend Jeet Ghosh. Four of them used to be the different branches of a single tree. If someone got hurt, others could have felt that. But the trick is that the different branches of the same tree used to be impregnated with different fruits and the fruits too used to get ripen in different seasons. Leaving the common friends, with whom Pooja was talking nineteen-to-the-dozen hitherto, she comes forward to Asha and whispers in her ears, “Come with me.”

Pooja and Asha come to the ground floor, where Sayan is waiting for Pooja and Jeet accompanies him. The moment the boys pair meet with the girls, everybody gets awkward eye contact. Asha moves two steps back; Pooja holds her hand and makes her stop. Jeet bursts out with anger and speaks by gnashing his teeth, “What the hell she is doing here?”

Pooja replies on the behalf of Asha, “It’s her school too.”

“Sluts belong to no school. They are morally illiterate.” Jeet grins.

Sayan tries to calm him down, while Asha opens up, “Slut shall be your..”.

Before she speaks out the last word, Pooja interrupts her, “Oh! Dude! Don’t fight like TOM and JERRY, all of us have grown up..”, she turns to Asha and completes her sentence, “Grown up to the stage from where we can forgive our perpetrator.”

“No! I differ.”, Asha’s clear-cut reply enrages Jeet even more. He turns towards Sayan and shouts, “Why didn’t you tell me that this bitch is coming today?”

Before Sayan finds an answer to which Jeet feels less irritated, Asha speaks out loud, “Didn’t change a bit, still remain a Berber..”.

“Don’t you try to sound like an asshole..” Jeet cuts her sentence.

“Your primitiveness is evident in your demeanor.” Asha puts her lips in derision.

Jeet slaps her emphatically. Asha’s specs fall down from her eyes to the floor and get cracked. With tears in her eyes, Asha manages to say, “Violence and harassment can’t be forced on a woman because of her biological fragility.”

“Lol! I don’t give a fuck to your feminist theory.” Jeet speaks in a way as if he is satisfied with the slap that he has just thrown towards her. Asha tries to reply but her vocal cords betray her.

 

(2)

 

Rani Ahalyabai Road,

23rd August, 2016

 

A group of ten students is volunteering in Rani Ahalyabai Road. They are there for a survey. A survey on the vehicles that are coming and crossing the road. They are supposed to make a tally with the number of the vehicles and later draw a flow diagram based on the tally. This survey will count as a part of the Geography practical exam for the final exam of class 11. Asha is sitting on a chair and asks Sanjay, her friend, to count the number of auto, bus, lorry, and trucks. “Why are you dozing today? Haven’t you slept at night?”, Sanjay inquires.

“You know what they say? They say that When you are in love, you can’t even fall asleep because then reality is much more beautiful than your dreams.”, Asha replies and then closes her eyes and leans backward in the chair.

“Bullshit. Then why are you dozing off?”, Sanjay replies and then updates the data in his notebook, where he is making the report needed to draw the flow diagram.

“Because my love is an open and shut case.”, Asha indirectly replies.

“Are you broke up with Jeet?”

“I have made up with someone else.”

“As far as I know you, you are not a girl to do anything of that kind.”

“You don’t know me.”

“Is it?”

“It is.”, Asha opens her eyes when a boy, junior to Asha, comes from the school as an envoy and calls her name. Asha gets up from the chair and seeks to know what’s the matter. The boy informs her that she is asked to meet Ganesh Paul, the Geography teacher in the office room once she gets finished with her survey. The boy leaves when Asha confirms that she will. Asha gets back to the chair and sits down cross-legged. Sanjay comes forth and asks, “What’s the matter?”

“I am ruined.”, Asha speaks looking straight into his eyes.

“Why are you freaking out?”

“The doomsday has come. Your sleep is spoiled from tonight onwards. Be ready for it. Be ready to lose your face, your unblemished reputation.”, Asha speaks out aside, and aloud she speaks, “Ganesh sir has called me in the office room.”

“Oh! It’s not anything serious.”, Sanjay leaves a sigh.

“Oh! I’m afraid but it is.”, Asha averts her eyes to the footpath.

“Either he will applause you for your performance in class or reward you for your hundred percent attendance.”, Sanjay updates the data in the notebook once more.

“He will chastise me for being innocence.”, Asha means it.

Sanjay hands over the notebook to her and shows his pinky finger to her implying he needs to go for a pee.

 

(3)

 

Tetultala High School,

21st October, 2021

 

Asha feels agitated with the slap, that is brought upon her by Jeet. She is foaming and roaring inside but unable to take an instant retaliation. Pooja comes to her and gestures for a hug but she refuses all sorts of consolation and sympathy. Removing her tears she turns around and walks to a pillar. She puts her hand on it and starts breathing fast. A headache overshadows her every time when she is in a place, she prefers not to be. She keeps her other hand on her eyes and tries not to cry anymore but her tears betray her. Sayan comes to her and places his hand on her shoulder. Without turning Asha replies, “Please, don’t tell me now that you slap me mistakenly.”, she mistakes Sayan with Jeet.

“It’s me, Sayan.” Asha turns around. Sayan speaks further, “You love him till now. Don’t you?”

Jeet takes the chance of Asha’s silence and hence he replies, “I slapped you intentionally. Thank me cause I didn’t fuck you yet.” Jeet makes it vulgar in every reply.

Asha gives a hateful look and a sharp reply to Jeet, “Fucking me is not a game. Fuck your fucking mentality. Motherfucker.” She turns towards Sayan and replies, “Loving someone is not enough to be together in life. You need a solid match. At least that’s what I am told. And now I can understand it to be true more than anything else.”

 

(4)

 

Tetultala High School,

23rd August, 2016

 

Asha returns to her school with the notebook in her hand. First, she goes to the Geography lab, puts down the notebook, and stands by the window. She speaks to herself, “So, Asha! It’s time. Time to take a leave. A leave from your comfort zone to a gothic place. You have to pretend. Pretend to be strong even if you’ve already broken in your heart.”. She sighs and then continues, “Today everything is going to be topsy-turvy and it will shake you from your root. Trust yourself. Only you know what you’ve done and you’ve undone. Others are only misguided or led to vengeance by their personal damage.” She wipes her face with a tissue and comes down to the office room. She knocks before entering, “May I come in sir?”

“Yes. Please.”, Ganesh assures.

“Have you called me?”

“Hmm.“, Ganesh replies without looking at her.

“I have surveyed in Rani Ahalyabai Road. The data is ready and the final sheet too will be done very soon.”

“What have you done?

“What have I done?”, Asha was expecting this question because for the last fifteen days or so this question is splitting her into pieces and almost everybody is placing the same query more or less.

“Tell me your side of the story.”, Ganesh speaks dramatically. Asha gulps a lump and swears to herself that she will not utter a single truth or false in front of this blockheaded moron. She knows clearly that he knows nothing but only heard about the leaked pornography. Pornography that has no existence in reality. Pornography in which Asha is rumored to be playing the leading role. Someone anonymous laughs out loud into Asha’s inner world. Asha crosses her finger and dares to speak, “May God has mercy on me. I have no story to tell.” She sounds loud and clear. Her unsubmissive attitude hurts Ganesh’s ego immensely. He twists his head implying the next level is going to be dangerous for Asha. A headache has already started painting her. She rubs her eyes. Taking his time Ganesh speaks further, and this time in a threatening manner, “Should I call your parents?” Asha knows very well that whatever she answers will be failed to stop the guardian call. So she prefers to keep silent. Ganesh illustrates, “Do your parents know about you? Have you told them?”. This time Asha’s self-respect got hurt. So, without caring anything she says, “How can I tell someone about something that I myself know not?”.

Ganesh leans backward in his chair and speaks further, “Can you deny that you aren’t an innocent and involved in some deeds that aren’t allowed here?”

“Someone has misbehaved with me. But I had nothing to do with it.”

“You could have slapped him. But you didn’t. You could have made a complaint to us. But you didn’t. Do you know what it means? It simply means you provoked him.”, Ganesh means it.

“I can’t hurt someone just because he has kissed me on my forehead. If I can’t love someone, then I have no right to punish him just because he does. Before all of you judge me, you should have gone to stop the video from being viral every minute. And yes let me confirm that as every one of you knows very well that the video is not authentic and thereby it’s fake. I have done nothing like that, and still, everyone is blaming me. I don’t know whether I’m innocent or not but I’m sure that I’m not guilty.”, Asha speaks her heart knowing very well that it will have a consequence, heavy for her.

“You speak like it’s our mistake.”, Ganesh puns.

“I’m afraid but it is.”, Asha speaks aside and aloud she says, “I don’t know who’s a mistake is what. All I know is it has to come to an end. I am done with this and it caused me enough trauma for the last few weeks.”

“Hey! Are you trying to speak that we are causing you mental harm?”, Ganesh makes an issue over a non-issue.

“I know you will punish me for someone else’s mistake. And my pleas are not enough to make it stop but it is also true that I can’t do anything more to give it a stop. So, I’m ready for the punishment and all I’m asking for is to make it fast. We are talking about an incident, happened last month and it’s the 23rd  of August.”, Asha speaks aloud, and aside she speaks, “I can’t hang between the physical punishment and mental traumatization for so long. What will happen, will happen.”

“Go to your classroom. We’ll call you once your parents come. And don’t do anything wrong in between to save your back.”, Ganesh satisfies his ego with the last line. Asha turns back and leaves the office room.

 

(5)

 

Tetultala High School,

21st October, 2021

 

Jeet feels a blow below-the-belt with Asha’s insult. He comes forth and holds her by the neck, drags her towards the pillar, and speaks over the brouhaha, “You have got your father’s instinct, both of you have made my life hell.”

Asha tries to reply with the choking in her throat aroused by Jeet’s grip, “Compare me with no man in this world. I said no man. All of them have their blood infuriated every time. Consider you. You are hitting upon a woman because she didn’t take a part in your foul play. Not everybody will tolerate your stranglehold.”, Asha breaks the stranglehold around her neck and starts coughing.

“Oh! God! What made me fall for this shitty feminazi? Don’t steer everything in your feminist hypocrisy.”, Jeet steps backward and wipes his lower lip with his thumb.

“Hypocrisy? Who knows it better than you?”, Asha licks her lower lip.

“Don’t try to sound like an asshole.”

“Mind your language. It’s a public place. I know nobody taught you the difference between a public and private zone. That is why you did what you did and brought us the slur and you are repeating yourself right now. Don’t. Just don’t.”, Asha warns. Jeet hits his fist hard in the pillar out of the fury, boiling in him. Blood comes out from his fist. Asha feels heartache for him but she can’t do anything to care about his hand because he won’t allow it. Pooja interferes, “Will you please stop this crossfire?”,  she turns towards Jeet, takes his hand, and continues, “Why the hell do you overreact all the time? Move on. Just move on from your past. And don’t blame one another for your suffering. Together you decided to be in an affair and mutually you broke up. Now please learn to respect your decisions. Learn to believe in yourself and respect each other. I brought her here with me and now I’m taking her away with me. She will never come to you. I promise you.”, she looks back to Asha and then to Jeet and now whispers in his ear, “You missed the chance. The chance to get her back. Now don’t cry over the phone. I will block you for sure.” Jeet takes his hand back and goes upstairs. Asha starts crying. Pooja comes to her, “The moron has gone. Don’t drop your tears. Tears will do no help. Let’s go somewhere secluded. “ Pooja takes her to the auditorium in the old building.

(6)

 

Tetultala High School,

23rd August, 2016

 

Asha feels a little different within. She feels like her back has touched the wall and it’s high time to turn around. The dark side in her is telling her to confront everybody but her maturity is advising her not to give a fuck. She is stuck in internal and external conflict. She drags herself through the staircase. Stumbles. Falls down. Collects herself. Manages to reach her classroom. The storm within her is booming intensely. She howls to her classmates, “To whom I caused any harm? Who the hell has made the fake video of me? And who the hell is spreading it in every now and then? Why the fuck you did it? You mentally distorted creeps! If someone loves someone without any condition in this daredevil world, learn to appreciate it. Don’t you have any love in you? Don’t you have the guts to utter the truth? All of you know that I didn’t do anything wrong, still, you blotting me with a fake allegation. How do you face your conscience?”. Asha fails to speak further because her voice breaks down. Suchandra comes forth and holds her. Asha wipes her tears, makes herself free from Suchandra’s embrace, and steps outside of her classroom. She makes her way towards the washroom. Meantime Jeet encounters her.  He complains, “I told you not to talk with anyone with this matter. What have you done?”

Asha loses her patience and grabs Jeet’s collar. She speaks looking into his eyes, “You too! What have I done? You kissed me that day without even asking me and someone made a video clip of it or whatever, I don’t know it exactly. That unknown person has not only submitted the clip to the office but also making it viral; giving it the name of pornography. It’s the question about my character and my reputation, damn it. Do something to stop it.”

Jeet frees himself from Asha’s grab and replies, “First tell me why have you threaten Roni for making the video and Ruksana for spreading it?”

Asha wonders for a minute and then speaks, “What are you talking about? How can I threaten them when I am learning from you that they are the culprits? Oh! Fuck! So it’s them! I told you to be careful. But you didn’t. Now face the consequence.”

“It’s all because of you. Roni and Ruksana have complained that we have threatened them.”

“It’s as fake as the video. The authority should interrogate them, instead of us. If kissing someone is not allowed here, then making videos and spreading them too should be forbidden here. But the rules and regulation is biased.”

“Shut up. Nobody wants your opinion. Just go and surrender yourself and we will be spared from being rusticated.”

“Surrender to whom?”, Asha astonishes.

“Arindam Pradhan, your class teacher.”

“Do you really think the only surrender will work?”

“What else? Do you have any other option?”

“No surrender can save us.”

“Just do what I say.”, Jeet forces Asha by twisting her wrist.

“I won’t surrender for your mistake. I won’t take the blame for something I never did. I won’t enter that ghost’s dome to save us from being rusticated. And listen, we must be punished whether I surrender or not.”, Asha glides her wrist from Jeet’s seizure.

“What do you think of yourself? Beauty queen? And everybody sneaks around you?”, Jeet mocks.

“I don’t think anyone of anything. But that doesn’t change the fact.”

“The fact is you are going to surrender.”

“I’m afraid but I am not.”

Both of them cast a fierce look at each other. Asha leaves Jeet after a while.

 

(7)

 

Tetultala High School,

21st October, 2021

 

Asha feels humiliated and satisfied at the same time. She is sitting on a chair in the auditorium; covering her face with her hands. Pooja seats in another. Both of them have gone to silence. After a while, Pooja speaks breaking the silence, “Love him or hate him. Don’t mix your feelings. It’s dangerous.”

Asha asks for some water. Pooja hands over a bottle. Asha drinks a little and then wipes her lips with the loose end of her dupatta. Pooja starts again, “You know what? You have a pair of sexy lips. Use them.”

‘’What the fuck are you talking about?”, Asha contorts her face.

“Leave it.”

“Sounds better.”

“Let me massage your forehead. I guess you are having a headache.”

“Umm! Thanks.”

Pooja leaves her chair, goes back to Asha, and starts massaging her head. While moving her fingers on Asha’s forehead, she speaks, “Is it here, where Jeet kissed?”

Asha grabs Pooja’s palm and then leads her fingers to her lips and says, “It’s here, he kissed.”, then to her cheek and says, “It’s here too.”, then on her chin and says, “Here too.” Pooja takes her hand back and says, “You guys are so bold vai.”

Asha laughs out loud and then suddenly breaks into tears.

Jeet enters into one of the random classrooms, left vacant. Sayan follows him. Jeet sits on a high bench. Sitting on the table Sayan pokes him, “Why do you raise your hand on a girl? Even if she’s guilty of something, you should not treat her the way you do.”

“Every time I see her bloody face, I can’t tell you what I feel.”, Jeet gives a random reply.

“Love her or hate her. Be honest with your feelings. Don’t love her if you think you hate her and don’t hate her if you feel you still love her. Loving and hating the same person at the same time is something very dangerous.”

“Yes! I love her. It’s true. And I hate her. It’s also true. I have loved and hated the same person for the last five years. I am messed up with my feelings. And it’s all because of her. She is such a shamelessly attractive innocent bitch! What else can I do?”, Jeet averts his eyes down. Sayan laughs out loud.

“What’s there to laugh?”, Jeet asks.

“Shall I call her, here?”

“Why?”, Jeet contorts his face.

“So that you can care for each other. See, both of you are injured..”

“No! Don’t you dare to do that.”, Jeet speaks with his index finger pointing out to Sayan.

Instead of replying to Jeet, Sayan questions him further, “How much do you hate her?”

“As much as I love her.”

“How much do you love her?”

“As much as I hate her.”

“Very complicated.”, Sayan concludes. Jeet grins and then a drop of tear rolls down his cheek.

 

(8)

 

Tetultala High School

23rd August, 2016

 

Asha is unable to move anywhere. Neither she can go to her classroom, her lab nor she can go to the washroom. She sits in the middle of the staircase and looks at the blank. A boy comes to her and says, “Didi, You are called to the office room. Asha looks at her wristwatch; it’s 12.05 P.m. She gets up and saunters towards the office room. The first thing she notices by getting there is Jeet is standing outside of the office room with his head down. Asha looks at his face but neither he looks at her nor he speaks anything to her. Without doing anything, for the first time, she is feeling guilty about herself. “It’s too late. It’s too late.”, Asha thinks. “Oh, God! What’s our fault? We only loved each other. It’s like a penalty for being in love. So heartless people! So heartless system! They teach love but when someone learns to love, the penalty is rewarded without any question. “, Asha doesn’t know whether to laugh or to cry. She feels helpless not because the danger is awaited for her inside the office room but for love is committing suicide outside the classroom. “It’s pathetic. It’s more than pathetic.”, the last thing she tells herself. Before she enters, Arindam comes out and says to her, “I called you to the library but you didn’t come. You could have easily avoided all these by only coming there.” He enters back the office room. Asha smiles wryly. She drags the curtain and enters the office room, leaving her love behind. She sees a group of teachers (all of them are male because it’s boys school up to class 10, coed for only plus two-course) is sitting in around and her mother, Mrs. Soma Khanna is sitting in a corner. All she can make out of it is her mother is greatly manipulated by the big brains. And there is nothing left for her to convince her mother. Without looking at her mother, she matches her eyes with the headmaster, Subhankar Halder. The first question she was expecting is, “What have you done?” because now she is accustomed to this question very much. But surprisingly Mr. Halder asks him, “Are you a believer?”

“Yes.”, Asha replies in a low voice.

“Sorry?”, Halder fails to hear.

“I’m a believer.  Diligently.”, Asha speaks. This time she is loud and clear.

“Do you love anyone in that way?”, Halder wants to know about Jeet from her mouth.

“None.”, Being failed to understand ‘which way’ Halder is speaking about, she gives a monosyllabic answer.

“We are suspending you for one month.”, Halder concludes without any explanation. Asha dares to question, “For what? I am suspended because I believe in God? Or because I don’t love anyone? Or because You think that I do?”

“You have one month in your hand. Take your time and asks yourself the question. You will be answered.”, Halder ends loose.

“This is not away. I want to know what’s my fault. Please talk to me. I beg of you.”, Asha pleads. But nobody talks to her. Her mother drags her from the office room. While leaving Asha asks mother, “Ma, please tell me what you are told?”

“You are having an intimate affair and still shouting your voice top? How can you?”, She is answered by her mother.

“If an intimate affair is harmless to others, then what’s the problem?”

“School has some rules to maintain.”, her mother concludes.

“What if the rules are biased just like the abnormal aliens, who muster together to murder someone’s love and just to dethrone love from being served? Can anyone answer my questions? Everybody knows nobody can answer me. That’s why I got punished without being told what’s my fault.”, Asha is dragged outside the curtain.

Throughout the way of returning home, Asha and her mother speak nothing to one another. Reaching by the home, Asha’s mother takes her school bag and locks her into the room. Need not to mention that her cell phone is taken from her. She is forced into detachment from the outward life.

 

Epilogue

 

Being locked in the room, Asha opens up the window. She sees two birds, sitting on the wire, making love. She thinks in her mind, “This life is like a wild jungle. Dark by day, darker by night. Desires are like sunshine that is throttled to death here. Love is like a narrow lane, leading you the way out. But this lane to is interrupted with thorns. You can’t come out without shedding blood. If someone dares to bleed, only then he/she will be favored with the light of freedom. Others will die a painful death.” One of the birds flows away.

Asha focuses on the other, still sitting on the ware. She mutters, “Everything has its expiry date. And love is no exception. Even lovers too take their departure when they are done. What is lefts unchanged is you with you. I started with nobody’s around. I end up with nobody’s around.” The bird gets an electric sock and falls dead on the road. Asha closes the window, lies on the bed, closes her eyes, and soon falls asleep.

About the Author:

Tiyasha Khanra is a poet and an author, she lives in Kolkata, India.