by Maliha Iqbal

Each quarrel had the same monotonous pattern. A pleader and a shouter except for that one. She had been fantasizing about a family trip to Disneyland when she heard her father calling her. There was anguish in his voice. She walked over to them from the next room and stood in front of them. She had detected a kind of pattern for their quarrel. It was usually twice or thrice a week.

“Darling, tell me didn’t I tell you that I was going to my office this Sunday too? I said that I had some important work to finish.” Her father looked at her with a worried expression. Her heart melted under his gaze. His eyes looked so pained. All the enthusiasm and joy for life were sucked out of them. There was just a desperate will to survive. The incomprehensible endearing little twinkle was gone. She recalled with a shock that these days she hardly saw him without a frown on his face. Why quarrel just because her father had to go to the office on Sunday because of his work?

She could not remember him ever telling her all this but she wanted the quarrel to end. She could not decide what to say. She couldn’t lie but she couldn’t let all this go on and on. She didn’t want to stay in the frying pan but she didn’t want to jump in the fire. Her mind was long ago convinced that all this was her own fault. Could she be the reason for all their quarrels? Why would they call her now if she wasn’t?

“Speak up! Are you dumb or what?” She was even more surprised. Her mother never talked to her like that. Maya had always tried to give her best. “What have I done?” Her mother’s face showed only anger and hatred. Where was the loving woman?

“Yes….yess…..Da..Daddy told me before going out” She had lied to her own mother! It wasn’t even convincing! Her mother probably detected the lie.

“You bloody liar! Get out of here!” Maya ran away, tears flowing down her cheeks. She cried for hours but nobody came to her. Her parents resumed their argument and her brother remained locked up in his room. He probably wasn’t even aware of anything that had happened.

Life was never the same again. Her mother was convinced that she had sided with her father and treated her very badly for the next few days. She would say “My son would never have done such a thing! He truly loves me!” Maya was left helpless. She had made up her mind that she would never lie to her mother but she did not know what else to do to convince her how much she loved her. Her father’s gratefulness had been visible on his face the moment she lied and somewhere inside her, there was no regret for her actions. Indeed, her heart was burning with fierce pride. She wasn’t angry with him. She was just worried about him. He looked depressed all the time and she had seen him take sleeping pills before he went to bed. Her mother seemed to forget all about the incident after three days and loved her as though nothing has happened.

She was confused. Not that she didn’t want her mother to forgive her but it was so sudden. She hadn’t even plucked up enough courage to apologize yet. Nevertheless, she also forgot the whole thing and was happy. This lasted for exactly another three days.

***

Her mother called her downstairs in a loud angry voice. Maya was scared. “Why am I like this? Do I always have to do something wrong?” Her face was contorted with hatred. She began scolding her for not eating properly. She was surprised because hadn’t she always finished all her greens? Hadn’t she always had a glass of milk before she went to bed? Her mother had never complained. In fact, Maya had always thought that she was pleased with her. She decided to reason out with her.

“But mummy, I always finish all the food on my plate. I never waste any. I drink milk daily. I don’t mind eating vegetables so what’s wrong with me?”
Her mother stood there looking at her and then said in a triumphant voice that was satisfied and sarcastic.

“You have truly spoken like your father’s child. I expected you to talk back. You are a rude child! You can never respect anyone. I don’t want to talk to you. You can never be like my son. Go! Maya looked at her with a bewildered expression. What had she done? She had only wanted to reason out with her mother but she must have done something wrong again. She was a failure! Whatever she did went wrong. What had got into her head? How could she talk back like that?

***

Everything soon became routine for her. Her mother would scold her, get angry with her or stop talking to her because of something or other. These days her life had become synonymous with mistakes. Every action was a mistake. She had ceased to think before doing anything because she knew it was going to be a mistake in the end. She did everything that her mother asked her to do and listened like a corpse when she scolded her. Never saying anything but accepting what was coming. After all, at least here was someone who would correct all her mistakes. Life otherwise was the same. Her parents quarreled, both she and her brother did well in studies and the earth continued to revolve around the sun.

She was slowly becoming hollow. The pain and misery of her family falling apart in front of her eyes were eating away at her. She was more concerned about her father who looked more unhappy than her. His cheerful energy was no longer there. He was hardly at home. They had long ago stopped going on vacations. She had stopped asking her brother who had become very reserved and hardly ever came out of his room. Her fourteenth birthday had been wonderful which wasn’t surprising since her mother had decided to be happy on that day and if she was happy then everyone was happy. You could expect her to be happy on birthdays, festivals, and when she was in front of others. Her birthday had been fun but new horrors had started a week after that.

Dana developed such a strong passion for cleanliness that she was constantly going from room to room with a dusting cloth. It was more than passion, it was an obsession. Everything had to be washed and cleaned and dusted and then washed and cleaned and dusted again. She would behave very strangely when she went out. Always covering her face and often blatantly telling a shopkeeper that the place was fit to be a pigsty but worse were the beatings.

Maya had been doing her homework when Dana came into the room with a dusting cloth and glared at her. “Are you going to your friend’s house this evening?”

“Yes mummy. She needs help with her homework.”
“You are such a stupid girl. You are always helping others. Do you ever spend time with your family? Do you even care for us? No!”

Maya did not reply. It would be wrong to talk back. ”You know what? I almost died while giving birth to you. You could have killed me! And what do I get for all that? Nothing! You don’t even love me. You side with your wretched father.”

Maya let out a sharp gasp of pain. Her mother had slapped her hard across the face. She began hitting her again and again. Tears sprang to Maya’s eyes. She could not understand what was happening.

“Please! Please! What have I done? Forgive me! Mummy please!”  She fell on the floor but her mother did not stop. She beat her with a broom. Maya’s shirt was torn in some places and she was howling loudly. Mair came running down the stairs and pulled away his mother.

“Are you mad or what? Why are you hitting her like that?”

“Shut up! I am her mother! I can do anything to her! You don’t need to side with her now!” Maya did not hear the rest of it. She ran upstairs and locked herself in her room. Her knees buckled and she sank down on the floor. She sat there in shock for several hours. What had she done? Her mother now had to resort to this to control her. How could she improve herself? She was a failure.

She went to the mirror and looked at herself. Her hair was disheveled. Her clothes were torn in several places. A long bruise ran down from her neck. Her lips were still bleeding. She went into the bathroom and washed all her wounds and bandaged them. After that, she put on a fresh pair of clothes and called her friend. She answered after two rings

“Hi! What’s up?”
“I am sorry but I won’t be able to come.”

“Oh! But I needed your help so much…it’s okay. I will ask somebody else.”
“You just do that from next time too! Go to hell or whatever but don’t you come begging for my help!”

Maya ended the call and was ashamed of herself. What had made her do that? What was happening to her?  She knew that she was a true troublemaker because she always upset her mother who was desperately trying to improve her. She was not sure what to do so she began cleaning her closet for the third time that day.

There was a knock on the door. She opened it and saw that it was her father.

“Yes, Daddy?” He looked so sad and unhappy. She would have done anything for him at that moment. He smiled ruefully at her as though he had read her thoughts and gently touched her bandaged cheek.

“Mair told me about…..what happened.” Maya looked down at her feet. This was the first time her father had talked to her about anything her mother did. Earlier, their relationship had always been one in which they talked about everything except her mother. That was the danger zone. Silence had always been the name of the game. She realized that she suddenly didn’t want to talk about her to anyone.  She was so tired of everything. All the quarrels, beatings, screaming, and tears. She just wanted to be free and relaxed. She just wanted her past. She couldn’t control herself as she said,

“Why don’t you two get a divorce?”

She knew how to mean it sounded even as she said it but she could not think of any other solutions. At least then she would not spend each day worrying what the next minute would bring. When there would be a quarrel. She would miss the togetherness but some things had to be sacrificed. It could not be helped.

Her father shook his head sadly. “That is not possible.”

“Why?”
“You know your mother is not educated. How will she survive without anybody?”

“Dad, you know as well as I do that we can send her back to her village. She may not want a divorce but we can handle that somehow. You will give her a handsome monthly allowance and even an illiterate person can prosper in a city if they have money. Money is what matters and you can give her that, can’t you?” She didn’t realize that her voice had reached a pleading note, she was begging him to leave her own mother.

Her father looked distressed and shook his head again.

“I can’t leave her. She’s a mental patient.”

 Jackie Harris was a drunkard. He had not been like that before marriage. Indeed he had been a true gentleman once upon a time. He did all kinds of odd jobs. Washing cars, delivering stuff, and sometimes (if he was that lucky) a clerical job.

Mona worked in an orphanage. The salary was meager but it was enough to support her. She herself had opened her eyes in that very orphanage. She truly cared for the little kids because she was one of them. She remembered how she had to go without food for an entire day sometimes. The constant rumbling of her stomach, the hungry look in all the eyes around her, and Mrs. Ian’s stern looks if you asked for more. Mrs. Ian was the caretaker of the orphanage. The corrupt old dwarf. She was long dead. Mona could sum up her death and the feelings associated with it in just two words “Good riddance”.

He and Mona met one day when he got a job of sweeping around the grounds of the orphanage, something that had not happened in weeks. The sum was not much but he was broke at that time so he decided to go. The weather looked good anyway. There he met Mona and they got married a week after that. Mona knew about his poor way of life but said that it made no difference because she had never been rich. She had never really been beautiful and it had been a dream come true for her when Jackie had asked for her hand.

The only argument they had was on Mona’s job.

“I want you to leave it.”

“Why? You know that we will earn more if we both work together. It’s a good job with a steady salary. Besides, I love the children.”
“Don’t you think I can take care of you? I can look after you well enough. You don’t need to work but if you think that I am not up to it then continue with your job!”
“There’s no need to get angry. Of course, you are capable of doing everything perfectly. I will leave the job.”
Jackie did not want his wife to work. He was the man of the family and he knew his job. There was no need for her to work. He would let her know her place once they married. All the stuff about women’s rights was plain stupidity, total crap that did not interest him.

Jackie was a monster. Only now it was too late. They were married. He did not let her go out of the house which was really more of a shack. She had to ask him before going. At first, she had not taken it seriously. One day she went to the market to get something for dinner. She came back to find Jackie restlessly pacing about.

“Where have you been?”

“Dear, I went to the market.”
“Tell me before going next time, understand?” There was such a mad intensity in his eyes that she was shocked for a minute and just looked dumbly at him. He shook her roughly and said, “Do you get it or not?” She regained her senses and managed, “But what’s the need to do that?”

“I get worried about you. Please understand me. Promise?”
“Yes….I promise.”
Neither did Jackie allow her to wear the clothes she liked. She had saved up to buy an off-shoulder dress but he got really angry when she put it on to show it to him.

“I don’t want my wife to go about naked!” She had taken it off and he had promptly returned it. She knew now that she had been a fool to marry him. How could she have committed such a mistake? She had hardly known him. A week was no time at all. He had just taken her out twice and then they had married. A stranger married to a stranger. She had destroyed her life.

Their first child was born the next year. They named him Anderson Harris. She had not wanted him because she knew that she would be trapped if he was born. She could not leave her child with that man and neither would he let her have him. She had no money for a legal battle. She also knew that Jackie had hardly enough money to support them both and a third person would mean more money. She fell in love with her baby the moment she saw him and realized that she could bear anything for him.

It would not have been so bad if Jackie hadn’t started drinking. It started with a small party of intimate relations given by Mona’s friend who had married a rich man. Jackie just had one glass of whisky at the host’s insistence and found it to be bitter and horrible. He tried hard not to make a face.

Later Mona found him totally drunk and chatting to some of her friends. She was extremely embarrassed when her friend offered to drive her home.

“Your husband’s in no condition to walk home. Let me give you a ride back.” Despite everything she accepted her offer and was even grateful for it.

***

Once Andy was quite late in coming home. Mona got worried and wondered what could have happened. His school was quite near. Jackie was not at home so she decided to go out and look for him.

She met Andy on her way to his school and was very relieved.

“Why were you so late? I was getting worried about you.” She hugged him and he smiled at her. He was surprisingly good-looking despite the fact that his parents had simple faces.

“Mummy I stayed at school for a while because I wanted to give you this!” He thrust a paper in her hand. It was a card. He had scrawled “Thank you” on it and had tried to draw her face. There were just two lines written inside “You take very very good care of me. Luv you!”

It was untidy and certainly not very artistic but Mona felt tears coming to her eyes. Someone had shown her affection and nobody had done that since Jackie. Now his love for her was no more than a painful memory. She took the card and stared at it for a long time. It was lovely! She felt a warm glow of joy spreading throughout her body.

“Oh, darling! I do love you so much. Thank you.” She took the card from him and held his little hands. They walked home and she bought him an ice cream cone “He really deserves it.”

They reached home to find Jackie at the door. He was looking so angry that Andy hid behind his mother.

“You promised me! Why did you break your promise?”

“I …I am sorry. Andy was late from school so I went out to look for him. I was very worried.”

“I see…Come inside.” It was a command, not a statement. Mona did not know what to do. “I have to save myself and Andy from him.”

They walked inside and Jackie shut the door. He was very calm now but there was something so eerie about him that it scared Mona more than ever. “It is the calm before a storm.”

“Look here Jackie, I was very worried about Andy. You know we both love him a lot. I am so sorry for what I did but there just didn’t seem to be enough time to ask you before going. Look, what he made for me.”

She handed him the card and he looked very carefully at it. Then he smiled and Mona sighed with relief….

The first blow fell hard on her face. Blood spurted out of her lips. Then all of it was a dreary haze. She just remembered excruciating pain throughout her body and Andy’s crying.

Jackie shouted angrily, “A promise is a promise!” A promise is a promise….darkness……

She woke up to find herself sprawled on the floor. There was so much pain in her body. She was burning all over.

She tried to sit up but immediately collapsed. Her arm sent stabs of pain throughout her already broken body. She succeeded in her third attempt to sit up and immediately black spots danced in front of her eyes. She bit her lips hard, it would not do to lose consciousness now.

She touched her protruding belly. She didn’t want to lose her baby. Her legs just wouldn’t support her weight. She rose to her feet with some difficulty. Where was Jackie? What could she do now? She could just leave the place. If she took Andy with her then Jackie would surely find her somewhere. He knew the city like the back of his hands. Why not just leave the whole hell of a city? Take a train and get away but what then? She could not work in this condition for some time and she had Andy- his schooling. She was trapped and her second child had just sealed the contract of her marriage.

She hadn’t noticed earlier but Andy was crouched in a corner of the room. He was crying quietly to himself. His card was torn and pieces of the paper were strewn around the room. She immediately panicked. What had Jackie done to Andy?

“Andy, darling come to me please.” He looked up and his face was stained with tears. His eyes were dilated and just a tiny stream of blood had dried on his forehead. He was not hurt much but he was horrified. Why had daddy behaved like that? His mother was in so much pain. She had screamed so loudly. It had all been because of his stupid card. He remembered his father’s words.

“I don’t want my son to behave like a little girl! What’s all this? I should never see you doing girly things again!” He had not hit him like he had hit mother. Just a slap on his head that had made him feel dazed and a little blood had flown.

“Son, I want you to be a man. Strong and powerful.” He had torn the card and thrown its pieces away, pieces of Andy’s heart. He was gone after that.

Andy quietly walked over to his mother and she put her arms around him. She patted him on the back and said “Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be alright.” She knew how hollow and fake it all sounded but those words were her son’s only hopes, fake words, fake hopes.

They got everything straightened up by evening but Jackie did not come till the next morning. He was drunk and went straight off to sleep after a hearty breakfast. There was an uncomfortable silence when he turned up but he was so drunk that he didn’t bother to notice anything.

***

Mona’s second child was a daughter. She was a healthy little thing and Mona was extremely pleased but the baby created problems. There was hardly enough to feed little Andy who was eight years old. She often went without food. How could she possibly feed the baby?  Jackie loved his little daughter but it ended there. He made no effort to even ask Mona if they had enough food in the house. Indeed, he was hardly at home. He usually came home once a day to eat and sometimes to give a little money.

If Mona was ordinary-looking earlier, she was positively ugly now. The years of the beating had left her with a permanently disfigured nose that had broken thrice but she had no money to go to a doctor. Her face and body were covered with bruises. Her whole face was a kaleidoscope of blue and black. She walked with a slight limp which wasn’t noticeable unless you concentrated. She had lost the will to fight. She didn’t even like going out now. People stared at her as though she was a strange creature from some other world. She remained in the confines of her house. Mostly dreaming about a life that might have been…

She was using up all the money that she had saved and soon it would be finished. She was left with no option, she had to discuss everything with Jackie. She would ask him for money and tell him all the problems in the house. She would beg him to change. They could still become like the good old times. Life was full of chances if only Jackie would understand her….

***

“Jackie, can we talk?” He was sitting on the bed and reading a magazine. There was a bottle half full of wine beside him.

“Huh? What did you say?” She looked at his drunken face. Andy was sitting nearby with his sister, Julie. He was observing her very carefully. Her plan might work. She was only doing what was right. Life couldn’t always be against her. One day she too could be happy and maybe this was it.

“God be with me.” She walked over to Jackie. She picked up the bottle of wine and then dropped it. It fell down with a loud crash. The bottle shattered and fragments of glass flew all over the place. A long river of wine trickled over the uneven floor. She looked extremely calm and peaceful.

“What did you do that for?” He grabbed her hair and pushed her roughly. She staggered on the spot but regained her balance.

“Jackie, please listen! I just want to tell you that there’s still hope for us and our children. You were so different before our marriage. What has happened to you? Please, Jackie, this could destroy our children’s futures. I live like a maid in this house. I don’t mind it. I told you I was used to poverty but you also have some duty as the man of the family. Our children are starving. Please! I knew a different Jackie before marriage and I want him back!”

She burst into tears and collapsed on the floor. It was hopeless. Why would he change? For her? Why should he? She was just an ugly woman with two children.

Mona’s words had a huge impact on Jackie. “You also have some duty as the man of the family.” He repeated these words slowly. Hadn’t he said the same words years ago? His cheeks turned red and he bellowed loudly. Everything turned blurry around him. A red film descended over his eyes. There was just anger. White-hot anger.

“You bitch! I will kill you!” He ran towards her in a rage and then there was just the burning sensation in his heart. Blood everywhere, Mona’s ugly face staring at him and darkness…

Mona looked in horror at the shard of glass in her hand. She had killed her husband, she had murdered her Jackie in cold blood. His body lay writhing in a pool of blood and then it was completely still. She had pierced his cruel heart, the heart that had once loved her. She couldn’t believe it. She shook him hard “Jackie! Jackie! Get up! Jackie! Please! Oh please!” She beat his chest hard. She was in hysteria. Everywhere she could only see red. Red- the color of the rose that Jackie had given her when he had proposed to her. Red- the color of the blood that flowed everywhere when she had killed him. Red.

Andy could not believe his eyes. The seven-year-old watched in shock as his mother picked up the shard of glass with lightning speed and stabbed his father. Julie was too small to understand. She could hardly say “Anny”. She was fast asleep when all this happened.

His eyes met his mother’s. She was rocking to and fro and shouting out “Jackie! Jackie!” Their eyes met and she quickly walked over to him as though she had just realized that he was in the room. She looked so strange that he was tempted to run but he looked straight into those eyes.

“Andy, listen carefully. Will you do something for me?” He was so numbed with a shock that he couldn’t even speak. She shook him and he muttered quickly “Yes mum…mummy.”
“Good. I want you to take your sister and go away to New Delhi. It’s very near to our home here in Tughlakabad. Do something there, anything but you must try to keep yourself and your sister alive. She won’t have anyone but you. Love her, Andy. Promise me.”
She clasped his hand and he could feel the stickiness of the blood. He looked carefully at her face so that he could memorize it. It was the most beautiful face in the world.

He tightened his grip on her hand.

“I promise mummy.” She did not say a word and hurried over to his Dad’s…body. He was Mr. Harris yesterday and now he was “the body”. Andy could not understand. Was a person’s identity forgotten even before he was buried? Did he become a body among millions of others as soon as he stopped breathing?

Mona fished inside Jackie’s pocket and came out with his wallet. There was some money in it. The children would not go hungry for at least two days. She walked over to the bed and slipped her hand underneath her pillow. She took out her savings and counted them. There was enough to last another three days or so.

Andy picked up Julie in his arms. She was still asleep. Mona kissed her lightly on the forehead and hugged Andy. He clung tightly to her. He did not want that moment to end. His mother’s warm breath on his head. Her knobby hands held him as though they would never let him go but a second later those hands pushed him away and opened the door.

He stepped outside in the bright gay sunshine which seems to mock him and turned around for the last look at his mother but the door slammed behind him.

Andy could not bear it. He burst into tears and hammered with his hands on the door but nobody opened it.

“Mummy! Mummy! Open the door! I can’t leave you! Mummy!” Julie too was crying on the footpath. Andy had forgotten all about her. He did not know that nobody was listening to him inside the house. There were only two bodies inside.

About the Author: 

Maliha Iqbal is a freelance writer settled in Aligarh.